I talked last week about how I was feeling emotionally one year on from having Henrie.
I wanted to document my physical progress too, I have been really enjoying exercising again, and the physical results always spur you on to keep going. Feeling strong physically gives a great mental boost I find.
Ok, so here I was last March with my 4 week old Henrie bear, how tiny and squishy was he! Again when he was 8 weeks old at our nephews wedding. And then me now, a year on and feeling stronger and fitter. Not worrying about how much I weigh or anything like that, for me the real “prize” is having my mental health back and feeling strong.
My Jazzercise teacher is so lovely, and she is so talented! I go to her class which is only a few minutes away from me, for an hour, twice a week. I always look forward to class as it is my “me” time, dancing away my blues and sweating out my frustrations is the best therapy! On a Monday I also go to a class which I helped set up with my friend Jenny (who is one of those humans who seems to spin so many plates at once and always smiles!) It is called Boogie Beenies, you bring your baby in a sling and then boogie away to a whole mixture of music for 45 minutes while following Jenny’s direction. I am always on hand for any sling safety or comfort info. It is SO much fun!
Baby boy has been an absolute diamond since he arrived. Looking at the photos from his birthday weekend I am just in awe of how much he has grown, that I am still breast feeding this little monkey and my body didn’t “fail”, it has worked hard and over come so much.
Mammas give yourselves a pat on the back today when you look at your little humans. Because you have done an incredible thing growing them, whether we are talking in your belly, after you fostered or adopted them, helping them become big little people.
I am going to sign off now because as usual I am getting emotional and I like to ramble when that happens!
See you next time, thank you so much for reading!
Hazel Ann Xx
A year ago today I was having a brilliant day with my yoga teacher and a photographer, on a beach in winter, taking photos of a pregnancy yoga sequence. Little Henrie hanging out inside my belly. That’s me, feeling like a real warrior with my bare feet in the sand and my big bump.
I chose this as the way I wanted to remember the end of my pregnancy. What followed in the next few days was not what I had imagined. Talking about it and being as honest as I can, I hope that other people can identify and maybe not feel so alone.
Tuesday last, I was at the nurse having a smear test (if yours is due – go book it NOW!). We couldn’t believe it had been nearly a year since I had spent all that time going back and fore to the health centre trying to get my c section wound to heal. She asked me if I was now fully recovered, when I answered I really believed that “Yes! I am doing great”. In that moment I whole heartedly felt like I was “healed”. The negative thoughts that at times had threatened to swallow me at different points felt so far away. Physically I am feeling really well, enjoying exercising and my life is full of the things I enjoy.
Over the weekend some things happened which brought back the memories of those days, the black days, and I was sort of plunged back into the well. I had to go and lie down at one point because I could feel a panic attack starting to rise up.
So I guess the point here is that, no, I am not actually as “over it” as I thought. While I am excited about celebrating a whole year of Henrie, there is a shadow. I feel like I am banging a drum and no one really cares a lot of the time. What happened to me is no where near what happens to some people. That kind of thoughts are not helpful either though, just because your experience isn’t “as bad” , doesn’t mean it can’t affect you. Doesn’t mean that you are not “allowed” to find it hard to deal with.
My focus is that it is ok to not be ok about it. Even when I thought I was ok. Speaking to a friend the other week, we were saying how becoming a mother changes you, and that the experience you have in labour and delivery changes you. Talking about that, being open and honest is needed. Pretending it is always lovely and perfect doesn’t stop other people from having a difficult time, physically, mentally. Your health comprises of both of those things. Look after yourself, whoever you are. You are important.
Hazel Ann x